"But don't you think that I know that walking on water won't make me a miracle man?" - Elvis Costello, Miracle Man

I am on an online Nortel course for the next two days, and so far it's been really boring! It's called "Carrier Voice Over IP", and I probably need it's information, but I tend to fall asleep after a while listening to such dry material. It's one of those courses where you log into a server somewhere and listen and watch to a presentation done by someone far away (Raleigh, North Carolina in this case). Oh well, I'm getting paid to learn, so I won't complain too much...(yawn)


The weather here has really been something this week. More snow and freezing rain yesterday and last night, yet now it's 2 degrees (36 degrees F.) and messy out. The kids love it, as they've already missed a day of school because of the weather. I think it's pretty (the snow), but the commute to work and back has been hell as evidenced by the picture on the left. I'm crawling past an accident on the other side of the bridge in that picture.



I bought a lovely little book called "It Works" a couple of days ago. It follows in the same vein as "The Law of Attraction". It's only thirty pages long, but that doesn't detract from it's beauty. The books' premise is "Mind over Matter"; you can get anything you want by just asking the "universe" for it. I find the whole idea intriguing... As an aside, I firmly believe that positive thinking will get me somewhere a whole lot faster.

I will keep my audience up to date on how I do with my "asking"...

As you've probably noticed, I've been experimenting in small ways with the blog (captions, pictures, etc.). I have a tremendous need to be creative; I'd love to be able to paint or take good photographs, so this blog is the start of my tentative creative efforts.

Speaking of creativity, here's a fun link someone at work sent me: explodingdog blog. Don't worry, it's not about cruelty to dogs, it's about a fellow who does simple, but amazingly good drawings from peoples request.

Thanks to the nice folks who have been leaving comments. I truly appreciate that!

Greg

Relapse No. 207

What's with the title, you might ask. It's another relapse of mine into anger. Today was a day mixed with frustration and anger. The last bunch of weeks of me being moody, grumpy and feeling sorry for myself have had some negative effects at work. My boss is beginning to ride me 'cause I've had a month of poor productivity (Who me? The model employee?). I've alienated my co-workers because they're getting sick of me (Tough, guys...). My best friend at work won't talk to me right now. And what do I do? I get angry...

My bad.

This business of remaking one's self hurts a lot more than I thought it would. If all this of this is a mid-life crisis, I'm thankful that it only happens once in a lifetime. But...I suspect it's more than that.

We had a tremendous snowfall a couple of days ago, and now the temperatures here are quite low (for the West Coast). It went down to about -12 degrees C. (about 11 degrees Fahrenheit) last night and it will probably get that way again tonight. It's a chilly 10 degrees C. (50 F.) in my basement where I'm writing this post right now. Brrrr! Driving in the Vancouver area is always interesting when it snows; the municipalities are ill prepared to clear roads after a snow storm.

I shot some video on the way into work yesterday with my camera because everything looked so pretty under the snow. Note that I only shot video when I was on clear roads. :) See videos 1 and 2. The videos are nothing special, but I had fun with them. I also took some pictures on the way home. See pictures 1 and 2.

My appointment with the Retinal Surgeon was postponed yesterday because of the snowfall, but I did get in this afternoon to see him. He feels that the blood in my eye has lessened somewhat and he wants to wait and see me back in a weeks time. Evidently, past "injuries" to the back of the eye can weep blood from time to time, depending on stress levels, alignment of the planets, blah, blah, blah. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I've been spared the hypodermic needle to the eye for this week, so that's okay. Phew!

I am waiting eagerly for my wife to see her lawyer in a few weeks. I want to get the ball rolling as quickly as possibly for us. I have thought about moving out in December, but I realized that it might be nicer for the kids to have me here around Christmas. After that though.... look out! Here I come.

Even with all of my angryness and sorrowness (hmm...that's not a real word) I am determined to ensure that my attitude becomes more positive. Much of my anger today was created by others moaning and groaning away, and I can't stand that anymore. Onwards and upwards! Negative people stay away! Sticks in the mud stay away! People who are afraid to change stay away! Come on, let's take some risks!

Wow, I look back on this post and realize it's a jumble of thoughts and emotions just dribbling out. Note to self - get organized!

"Well, if I was a saint with a silver cup and the money got low, we could always heat it up or trade it in..." - Blame it on Cain, Elvis Costello

I puttered away on our storage/furnace room today, fixing up dents in the walls and holes in the ceiling. I like doing work like that. I'm able to do a good enough job now that I can be satisfied and proud when I'm finished. I've done good, hard work on this house all year long. Nobody has appreciated the effort I have put into this, but I still feel good about it. To bad it's got to be sold, though. There a few crummy pictures of painting the house and such in my gallery.

We had a massive (for us) snowfall today. It appears that we've received about 40 centimetres of the white stuff, and it's still snowing now. We lost power for about an hour and a half earlier; lots of tress and branches are coming down over power lines due to the weight of the snow. Pretty incredible stuff for this area and time of year. We don't usually get weather like this.

I downloaded an incredible audio file by Bob Proctor (of The Secret movie) titled "Attitude". It's a fabulous dissertation on how one's attitude can make or break one's success in life. The idea behind "Attitude" is to have a good, positive attitude no matter what. If something negative occurs, maintain the attitude that there is always something positive tied in to it. Bob's theory is that for every negative there is also a positive. And if you shy away from the negatives and embrace the positives (as you find them) you will succeed where others fail because of their negative attitudes. The key ingredient is to make sure that your attitude and emotions don't control you and your life. Keep a positive attitude and find good things in issues others have given up on. Cool stuff...

The last four weeks have made me reevaluate myself so many times that my head is spinning. I have learned much and met many interesting people. Now it's time to put some of the things I have learned into motion. It will be an interesting time for me in 2007.

I see the retinal surgeon tomorrow (if I can get through the snow) and he will decide what to do with my left eye. Supposedly he is one of the best specialists in the area and I'm going to trust his judgement. Another interesting day coming....

I'm still mourning the lose of my relationship with my friend. Damn, I miss her...

The stuff the universe is made of...

What is this universe we exist in? Is it all as real as we think it is? Or are we all part of some much grander scheme, where our thoughts and being are really just part of some huge consciousness or organic machine? The more I study and the more I experience, the more I wonder at what I'm really doing here. Unfortunately, I suspect our brains are "hard coded" in such a fashion as to require constant purpose in order to keep alive the survival instinct (and drive us crazy with constant questions!). Perhaps there is no purpose. Perhaps we're just here to play and experience...

I love the idea of the "Butterfly effect". A butterfly flaps it's wings and creates a tiny change which snowballs into something huge. Is that what's happening with us? Every emotion and every thought starts off as a (relatively) small "signal" which eventually develops into something big enough to influence our lives. Wow... total chaos if not handled carefully.

I like to see the universe as a huge, multi-dimensional matrix; everything is connected together through this matrix. A little nudge or thought enters one end of the matrix, travels along, branching off and returning to it's path, until it reaches a destination changed and possibly amplified or attenuated from it's original intent. Plus, the thought has touched many others via the "matrix" influencing many other intentions and thoughts. No wonder the world is so chaotic!

If this "theory" is correct, then a pure, concentrated thought appears the only way to truly change one's life and purpose. Consider your target carefully, remove all distractions and noise from your mind, and then manifest your thought. Hmmm... sounds a bit like meditation....

I personally have so much noise and racket going on inside my head that I have a great deal of trouble in manifesting pure thoughts (Please note I'm not referring to pure and impure as clean and unclean. Pure as in bright shining, purposeful thoughts.). One of my goals for my future is to try and control the racket in my head a bit in order to control my life a bit better.

So much work, so little time....

Manifesting...

I've been trying my damnedest to manifest me a new life. I'm so tired of all the negatives which seem to have latched on to me for the last five or six weeks. I've done a tremendous amount of reading on the "Law of Attraction" and I've begun to realize that I've apparently "attracted" a lot of this bad stuff due to my own bad moods and thoughts. What a vicious freakin' well circle. So, I think bad things 'cause they're happening to me, and then more crummy things are attracted to me. Geeze!

Perhaps the answer is to do some physical manifesting, instead of just wishful thinking. There is so much pain and fear inside of me right now that I feel like I'm stuck deep in a rut with no way out. Every move I make sends more waves of pain, fear and guilt through me. How did I ever get this weak?

I'm wise enough (Hah!) to know that I can't stay in this state much longer or some sort of insanity will prevail. I've gotten paralyzed by feelings of guilt over whats going to happen to my kids with the impending divorce, I've become paralyzed with pain over losing the start to a wonderful relationship with my friend. But... as I write this I know why I've fucked up so. And it is to do with my wonderful children. I feel so damned guilty about disrupting their lives because I can't get my own life together. Problem is, I can't keep on sacrificing my own happiness in order to keep this family life the same way it's always been. What an effing mess! This is truly driving me crazy...

I must take some sort of action tomorrow. I'm going to try and start cleaning up the financial mess I'm in. That will be a start. And I'm not going to give up on manifesting a better life for myself. The one huge wish I have right now is to simply be accepted and loved. I haven't felt this lonely for a long, long time and I can't handle it for much longer.

Stay tuned to see if I really do get off my ass and do something about my plight...

"I can't stand up for falling down" - part 2

Well it's happened again. My left eye is hemorrhaging internally again. I am suffering from Myopic Degeneration, and I have already gone through one treatment early this year. Looks like I'll have to go through it again. Damn! I went to the retinal surgeon this afternoon and he rushed me into the lab for a florosceine (a dye gets pumped into a vein and pictures are taken of your retina at the same time). He was pretty concerned, to say the least. I meet with him again on Monday and he'll decide what treatment I get, laser surgery or an injection of some kind of anti-cancer drug into the eyeball. Crap. The last thing I want to do is have to go to the hospital again, as I have no one left to take me there and back.

Take note, everybody, this is what happens once you reach forty - the body starts to fall apart. :(

I just can't believe my run of bad luck. The last month has truly been a downer. Got to get outa this crummy rut...

"These eyes" - The Guess Who

I had a problem with my eyes earlier this year called "Myopic Degeneration". A blood vessel burst in the back of my left eye, filling the eye with blood. The eye required laser surgery to close up the blood vessel. The surgery appeared to be successful, with most of my vision coming back by late summer. Now it appears that I'm back in the same boat again, with my vision in the same eye decreasing again. This is not good. I don't want to go through all of the tests and visits to the hospital again. I go see the retinal surgeon this afternoon to find out if I'm imagining things or if I have a problem again.

Monday, November 20, 2006

"Drunk without drinking" - Buck 65

Hey boys, I've come a long way
Along in the sun and the rain

What am I doing here, no-star hotel
Wasting my wealth telling myself to go to hell
Arm in a cast, heart like a corncob
Do not disturb sign hangin' on the door knob
Brain unplugged, my whole life in my luggage
My cruelty is dependable and my ugliness is rugged
Smoke still slow dances out of my barrel
In the distance I can hear a kid singing a Christmas carol
And this is terrible, gorgeous and sinister
The pillow still smells like the secrets of my visitor
Nobody needs to know about this kind of thing
Blood on my back from the attack of her diamond ring
Me of all people, my mind's in a tail-spin
I'm just a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman
Part of me feels like dirt, the rest doesn't
She said I'm a way better lover than her husband

I've had a whole lot of fights
Along in the sun and the rain

Where am I going, backwards to nowhere In another man's shoes instead of my own pair
I promised discretion and to be at her beck and call
I look like a dandelion and feel like a wreckin' ball
I ran out of wishes and then she came to offer hers
Lookin' at myself in the mirror, I'm at a loss for words
I'm good at my job, goin' out of my mind kinda
Holding my face in my hands like fine China

I've seen a whole lot of towns
Along in the sun and the rain

We met up again, went undercover literally
I told her about Cuba, I told her about Italy
Physics and photography, a little Russian history
Everything about her to me was such a mystery
I gave her the once over, she gave me the blood blister
She had no idea that I was falling in love with her
Called me mister, crucial inspiration
All she wanted was my lust and useful information
What am I putting myself through this crap for
Feels like I'm standing on top of a trap door
Lost at sea, tangled up in golden hair
Scavenger-hunter, my life is a folding chair
My daily routine is down to a system
I give regular people truth and wisdom
That's what I do, it's my job, the prophet, profit
I can see the future and make money off it

I've kissed a whole lot of lips
Along in the sun and the rain

Drunk without drinking - Buck 65, from the album "Secret House Against the World"


Some of my favorite songs right now are Buck 65's "Drunk without drinking" (lyrics above) and "The suffering machine" (below). I love the words to the songs; I think a lot of people can emphasize with them. I certainly can. Buck 65 is a Hip Hop/Blues/Country/ Alternative musician out of Nova Scotia, Canada. He constantly evolves his musical style with each album. Neat stuff, I like the gritty feel of his music.


"The suffering machine" - Buck65

Black angel, carry me down
Jacket and shoes, pistols and pens
Poor boy feels like I ain't got no friends I wake up nervous,
Sunday is gloomy Eyes on the sidewalk look right through me
I hear myself breathing, trying to focus
Goodbye Babylon, wandering hopeless
The drifter, singing the lament of a non-tryer
The isolation makes me want to set myself on fire
I don't live anywhere

Black angel, carry me down

I pick all the flowers and extinguish the flames
The insanity is, I remember all of their names
Bottom of the barrel, it's no way how to be
The cold and the silence beats the shit out of me
But the windows are wooden and I shouldn't complain
I'll just keep digging until I'm good and insane
Cobwebs and applecores, old ghosts and vestiges
Woman at the desk says I got no messages
I don't live anywhere

Black angel, carry me down

Lost in a haze of fantasy and folklore
The woman I love don't want me no more
Inebriated, alleviated of pain and speaking wild
Full grown man reduced to a weakling child
Hard of hearing, short tempered and long viewing
Completely disappeared and cleared of all wrong-doing
Challenging the calendars, and tempting the clocks
Tree knocked over, inside an empty box
I don't live anywhere

Black angel, carry me down

The suffering machine - Buck 65, from the album "Secret House Against the World"


Damn'it, my life feels just like that last song....


References -
Buck 65's MySpace page
Buck 65 Official Web Page
Wikipedia

Friday, November 17, 2006

"Well we all shine on..." - John Lennon

Core fundamental values... a rather imposing and thought provoking proclamation. I never seriously considered exploring my own core values until I read this blog. "What's so important about discovering and following your own core values", you ask? Lots of things, my friends, lots. Your core values define who you are and what you stand for. Defining and living by your core values can make you a stronger and successful person who will attract the things your values stand for. I'm starting to realize that most people ignore or don't have a clue as to what their core values really are. Or worse, they try to feed off of others in order to borrow a "trendy" set of (what they think are) core values. It's no wonder some people wander through life aimlessly, never realizing a true goal (or happiness). And it's no wonder people hurt and mistreat each other, either because they never bothered to set some values in their life, or, they get scared when they realize that it's difficult to maintain some values and end up abandoning them.

After that little rant, I have to admit it's not easy to look inside one's self and determine one's core fundamental values. Plus, I suppose our core values will change and solidify as we mature.

Some of my core fundamental values:

Honesty - This is my number one core fundamental value. I have found it to be one of my most useful tools.

Compassion - Some people see this as a weakness. I don't. The world needs more compassion and less greed and selfishness.

Loyalty - When I believe in someone or something I am loyal to a fault.

Knowledge - I love to learn and I truly believe we have an unlimited capacity for learning. Learning is healthy!

Humor - One has to be able to laugh at one's self at times.

What are your core fundamental values?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Please check out my gallery

Please click on the "My Photo Gallery" link in the "Links" section to see a few pictures of mine. More pictures to follow after I repair my digital camera. :(

Note! Gallery is temporarily unavailable.

More blogging to come...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"It's all in the cards..."

I went and had a tarot card reading done several weeks ago when I was in the depths of my despair. I have utilized "mediums" before, but never had a card reading. I used to think that card reading and mediumship was nonsense, but I've slowly come to appreciate the "mystic arts" as I get a little older and perhaps spiritual. Nevertheless, I sat down with Vera at the West Coast Institute of Mystic Arts and bravely drew my ten cards. It was fascinating to see what cards I drew and in which order. The cards that I did choose are quite interesting. Vera was fascinated to see the huge amount of femininity surrounding me. No, it doesn't mean I'm feminine! Rather , I seem to be surrounded by many woman, or, by many feminine influences. Hmmm.... interesting. Just what I always wanted! :) Seriously though, the reading seems to indicate that I have a ways to go before I find that one big goal of mine, the soulmate (indicated by the High Priestess). Between now and then there could be a reunion, some soul searching and possibly more heartbreak (oh please, no more of that!). We shall see... all of this is to happen over the next four to six months.

Click here to view the cards. (PowerPoint required, sorry) My apologies for the cumbersome navigation and poor quality graphic. I haven't had enough time to do a proper job. Start at the Eight of Swords and end at the Six of Wands when you look at the reading.

I must say I am doing better than I was for the last two weeks. A big thanks to a couple of other bloggers, No_the_game and Asa, for their wonderful blogs and comments. I'm going to win this fight yet!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Inspiration...

I finally watched the movie "The Secret" last night. What an inspiration! This is a movie for all of us looking for that "magic" technique to improve our lives. It is filled with honest, easy to grasp ideas which could change one's life for ever. I am filled with a little more hope now after seeing that. Cool! Highly recommended for those of you who think they have reached an impasse in their life.

Please feel free to send comments or e-mails to me if you have seen this movie.

Note - this movie consists of a series of pseudo interviews. This is not an "action" movie. It's format can be very entertaining for the open minded.

Needless to say, I need to start working on that "rebirth" I mentioned many posts ago. I have many goals I want to accomplish (and I will!). My first big step is to move away from all off the negativity I have attracted. Remaining in that mode would guarantee a slow, painful, psychic death. That's not for me anymore! I will now brush off the constant attack of negativity from my wife, co-workers, and others. It will be interesting to see how this week develops with this sort of attitude.

Remember, if you want something done right, do it yourself....

Saturday, November 11, 2006

"Love is all it is, it makes the world go 'round" - Bob Dylan

My friend called me yesterday to check up on me and see how I was doing. Instead of being obnoxious and blunt I relented and tried to be civil. How is a person "fine" after having the door slammed in the face? I don't understand how people can turn on and off like a light switch....

Nevertheless, it was kinda nice to here from her, even if it did hurt. Damn, I miss her!

Pushing as hard as I can again, trying to get things done and move forward. This is taking forever 'cause I'm doing it all on my own. Very frustrating....

I'm gonna get my haircut today, all part of my feeble attempt to start changing my appearance to a more positive one. I suspect one's image has more than a little influence in this world. Haircut today, new glasses in a week, and then maybe some new clothes. Look out world, here I come....

Friday, November 10, 2006

I can see!...

I finally ordered a new pair of glasses today. My current prescription is about eleven years old, resulting in some severe eyestrain and fuzzy vision. I have to wear bi-focals now, and that kinda sucks. Guess it goes with my age. Nevertheless, it will be a real treat to be able to see properly again. All part of moving forward...

I made it through most of the day by riding a huge wave of rage. Rage at the world, rage at myself, and rage at people who I thought supported me. This can't be healthy. Got to drop it and move forward somemore...

I'm going to watch "The Secret" later tonight in an effort to inspire and motivate myself. The little piece I watched was fantastic and I can't wait to see the rest.

I want to get as much done on this anchor of a house as possible this weekend. That is of course, between doing laundry, feeding the kids, taking care of the dog, blah, blah, blah. Lots of fun work...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Paint, paint, paint...

My wife and I made a verbal agreement a year ago to fix up our house and put it on the market in May. May 2006, that is. I have ended up doing all of the work, and while I don't mind putting in the effort, I resent not having any help or support. I spent the entire summer repairing and painting the exterior of the house. I took one week off to go camping with my kids. Needless to say, I am plum worn out. It's down to painting trim indoors now and cleaning up. Whew! Only problem with that is that it will soon be time to start the "formal" separation arrangements. Scares the heck out of me.

So, is it just a mid-life crisis I'm starting to go through, or have I awoken to the fact that love is still out there somewhere? As I've mentioned in past posts, my marriage has been a wasteland of verbal abuse and anger for the past ten years. I thought I new love via my children and my beautiful Black Lab. Obviously, there is giving nurturing love, and then there is receiving it. I feel almost selfish wanting to be loved and nurtured again, but I honestly can't understand how a person can survive without it.

My problem, as has been pointed out so nicely by my blogger friends, is that I set my expectations and desires sky-high, with the obvious happening in the end, damn it all. I did find something which I thought was quite good for me. Unfortunately, the other half of the equation thought otherwise, with the result of much pain for me. I am curious by nature and enjoy a good challenge, so I usually throw myself fully into whatever turns me on. I suppose (in hindsight) , that's not the way to treat some (all?) relationships or people. Yikes, am I rusty!

My children have reported to me that my wife has been complaining about me to her friends again. Seems that I'm guilty of "rushing to a lawyer" (that was in July, for Pete's sake) in order to leave her. I don't get it, she's the one that wanted to split up originally. I suppose I'm a bit of a cash cow and baby sitter for her. Very convenient...

I truly feel bad for my kids. They are good kids and don't deserve to go through this mess. They have informed me that they want to live with me. Unfortunately, my wife thinks otherwise, and will fight this issue to the death.

Here's an interesting one... A while ago I asked my kids what they thought about the idea of me having a girlfriend down the road. They thought that was a cool idea, no problem. Then I asked them, "well, what about your Mother. What if she gets a boy friend?". The kids thought that was a most repulsive idea. I wonder why the different thoughts about the two parents?

A new day dawns...

Whew! Made it through another night. Thanks to nosthegame for the nice comment. Every little bit helps!

I downloaded the movie "The Secret" last night and watched a few minutes of it. Wow! How inspiring. A very simple message is presented throughout the movie and it is done in a very entertaining, persuasive manner. "Be positive and everything you want will happen. Be negative and everything one is negative about will happen." Hmm... judging by my writing I'm asking for negative things to occur. And of course that is exactly what has been occurring. Time to be much more positive. That's not always easy, but damn it, it's worth a try. I got up from bed in a better mood this morning and listened to happy tunes (instead of the usual bluesy stuff) on the way in to work. The challenge will be to retain the "good" mood today at work and later at home.

Oh well, I have always enjoyed a good challenge.....

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

"I hate the nightlife..."

The long, dark nights suck. They drag my mood down into the ground. Makes me think about all of the mistakes I've made. There is a better life out there, right?

I went and had a sacral cranial session this afternoon 'cause I was feeling so down. That was great. I was able to go into the "special and safe" places in my mind and relax for a bit. Highly recommended.

I'm going to start repeating a mantra over and over again asking the universe for all of the things I want so badly. Sure as heck can't hurt.

In the mean time, I'm painting trim inside the house furiously, trying to get all of the work finished. Trim is such finicky stuff. I've been working on this house for almost a year now with absolutely no help and I'm beat. This isn't helping my mental state any. This has taken way to much work.

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And life goes on....

I went on a two hour course on dowsing last night. Fascinating course, with a great instructor. We ended up discussing all sorts of things spiritual and paranormal. I think I'm starting to get just the slightest idea of where I'm going, and it doesn't look to bad. It appears (as I had suspected) that there is a lot of potential for love, and expansion of one's horizons in the universe.

I have to find my true path in life. Like I said, I think I might now where I might be going, now I have to find that path to take me there. I'm beginning to realize that I have wandered aimlessly for many, many years and it's now time to perform some navigation to get onto my "chosen" path. Sounds almost ominous, but I don't think it has to be. One thing my instructor from last night commented on (she is an intuitive) is that I appear to have a voracious appetite for learning. That fact is absolutely true. I can't seem to learn enough, fast enough, at times. This does, unfortunately, have the effect of making me appear distracted and scatter-brained at times. Too bad. Learning is part of my path and I will not change that. Call it one of my core fundamental values.

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Sentence removed due to security concerns.True, it is comforting to be rooted in something safe and secure, but that is not the same as being grounded. Being rooted is an escape from fear of the unknown, the fear of change, the fear of pain. It's true that we are all rooted in some manner or another (and yes, I'm totally guilty of that too), but I believe that to change and open up to new possibilities requires uprooting one's self and discarding some of those fears, I know, I know... easier said than done. It's something I have struggled with for many years. I learned last night that grounding is something entirely different. Grounding requires a transfer of energies from one's self to Mother Earth and the Universal light. It gives you strength and protection, among other things. Of course, I am not an expert by any means on this subject and I really have no right to judge others in the way that they might view grounding and their life. But.... I suspect my dear friend got scared with what was going on between the two of us and did the thing safest for her - go and root herself back into her little zone of perceived safety and security. Sigh....

It's time again for me to send some powerful messages to the universe in order to help my transformation along. I need to get out of this rut and grow. I would love to share my love with someone who will share like in return. I want to experience all the universe has to offer. I'm ready and willing to share myself with the universe....

Monday, November 06, 2006

"Whole lot of mourning going on..." - Part 2

Evening now; nights are the worst. Sentences removed for the moment due to security concerns. How is it that someone can turn one into a weeping child? It isn't fair.

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Of course, now I'm petrified that I'll never find anyone to love and to love me. Every damn relationship I've had has ended in some sort of disaster. I know I must think more positively about relationships, but it's damn hard to. God, I hope my kids are luckier than I have been....

Okay... now the trick is to send out some positive messages to the universe. I don't want to be lonely anymore, I want to be loved and happy again. I'm ready to plead allegiance to God and anything else if my prayers are answered. Hmmm.... pretty pathetic actually. But.... there must be a way to connect to one's soul mate, if there is such a thing. I suppose that is one of my mission statements now - I will find my soul mate, if it means searching the entire universe.....

"Whole lot of mourning going on..."

A tiny bit of a better day today. Starting to mourn for my wonderful relationship with my friend again, though. I am so sad it had to end. I'm still trying to figure where I went wrong. I tried my best, as I usually try to, but I suspect my other "projects" (painting the house, managing the kids, living with that idiot of a wife, etc.) got in the way. I know the house and the wife distracted me, but I didn't think the distractions were that bad. I suppose too, that I wasn't being aggressive enough in getting ready to leave the wife. There just was no way to win, the way I see it. One (or two) wrong move(s), and everything gets interpreted incorrectly. Damn, that makes me sad.......

Sunday, November 05, 2006

What the hell is all of this pain for?

Why on earth does our brain create so much pain? Is it a defect of some sort which needs another million years of evolution to correct itself? We can blame others for creating our pain, but in reality, it's our very own brain doing it to us. Traitor.

Sometime earlier this year I realized that what I was living in was a living death of sorts. I "died" shortly after I got married, as far as I can tell. I let myself be molded into someone entirely different. That closed a lot of doors and opportunities for me. Of course, a lot of that was my own fault. I thought I'd be happy and content that way. Wrong!

So now it's time to live again. Sure does seem to take a lot of pain to rebirth oneself. I wonder if everyone goes through this horror show sometime in their life. The trick now is to starting living again with a minimum of pain. There is so much painful baggage I need to throw away - The joke of a marriage and all of the abuse which came with it, the time wasted cowering instead of doing something, the issues my poor children will need to face, the rejection from my lovely friend, etc. But I suppose it's also time to throw away the issue of feeling sorry for oneself all of the time. There are still good things to find and experience, from what I'm told.....

I really want to get myself a Volkswagen Westfalia camper. I have this crazy dream of being able to escape whenever I want. Throw the dog and a bit of food into the camper and off I go to explore new frontiers. I want to lose myself somewhere different and interesting; the Baja immediately comes to mind. Is it just another one of my hopeless pipedreams, or can I get it together and actually do something about it. We'll see.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Slip sliding away.....

This morning started of well enough....I got my rear in gear and started painting some doors. Then I gathered up the rest of the empty wine bottles and threw them into the trunk of the car. Dog and I dropped the bottles off at the local bottle depot - get this - $7.00 and some change for 54 wine bottles.

Mood had been alright until I went out. Then I started thinking again (damn!) and getting upset. I have this huge anger inside of me right now and it's damn hard to control. I'm angry at my wife, I'm angry at my friend, and most of all, I'm damn angry at myself. More and more I realize that I have definitely made my own bed in this world, and it's not the best it could be. I have missed so many good opportunities and chances, and I'm the only one to blame. This is not going to happen again. I'm going to try to go for only the best at this point. What the hell is the use of living one's life with eyes closed? Life is to short for that. I have to figure out a way of staying far away from idiots and losers and trying to be the best I can. I am beginning to realize that this concept will require some sacrifice and "giving" to accomplish. I don't mind, I am ready to give if others deserve to receive. All others can go to hell. That's the way this screwed up world should work.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Today began in one of those hellish moods which completely incapacitates me. I'm stuck in one of those "how I am ever going to be happy again" funks. I miss my friend so bad.... I feel sick when I realize I lost her. Dealing with this issue seems to be far harder than the separation issue. My mind is made up on that issue and I'm going forward to a better life no matter what. But what's with this love thing? It's incredibly bloody painful.

Friend called this morning, all full of cheer, wanting to know how I was doing. WTF? How do think I'm fucking doing. Doh! I let her know how I was really feeling, but I'm not sure if she understands..... It's so hard to tell what's going on inside of her head sometimes. Sometimes she comes across as totally cold and uncaring. She could have had the world from me, but seems totally confused as to what her real issues are. Fuck! So much for opening myself up to her and working so damn hard to get to her sooner. I just don't understand people at all.

I'm going to start cleaning out all of the garbage and crap in the house tomorrow. There is so much crap laying around, old wine bottles, expired foodstuff, clothes, etc and it has to go. I'll do a bunch of painting too. Get the rest of the trim and interior doors cleaned up.

I half to start conceiving some sort of positive plan for myself. This business of getting into continual negative situations all of the time is bullshit. Everyone deserves better than that. I have worked and suffered so much, it's freaking well payback time. I have to follow through on my dreams of getting a Westy camper and doing some exploring. The Baja awaits and I'm not getting any younger. I'm going to have to figure out a way of getting some money together in order to afford a bloody camper. Christ, that's going to be tough. I've also got to get aggressive on meeting the right woman for me. No more selfish, controlling, confused jerks. Someone honest and open minded like me :).