Sunday, November 05, 2006

What the hell is all of this pain for?

Why on earth does our brain create so much pain? Is it a defect of some sort which needs another million years of evolution to correct itself? We can blame others for creating our pain, but in reality, it's our very own brain doing it to us. Traitor.

Sometime earlier this year I realized that what I was living in was a living death of sorts. I "died" shortly after I got married, as far as I can tell. I let myself be molded into someone entirely different. That closed a lot of doors and opportunities for me. Of course, a lot of that was my own fault. I thought I'd be happy and content that way. Wrong!

So now it's time to live again. Sure does seem to take a lot of pain to rebirth oneself. I wonder if everyone goes through this horror show sometime in their life. The trick now is to starting living again with a minimum of pain. There is so much painful baggage I need to throw away - The joke of a marriage and all of the abuse which came with it, the time wasted cowering instead of doing something, the issues my poor children will need to face, the rejection from my lovely friend, etc. But I suppose it's also time to throw away the issue of feeling sorry for oneself all of the time. There are still good things to find and experience, from what I'm told.....

I really want to get myself a Volkswagen Westfalia camper. I have this crazy dream of being able to escape whenever I want. Throw the dog and a bit of food into the camper and off I go to explore new frontiers. I want to lose myself somewhere different and interesting; the Baja immediately comes to mind. Is it just another one of my hopeless pipedreams, or can I get it together and actually do something about it. We'll see.


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