Today began in one of those hellish moods which completely incapacitates me. I'm stuck in one of those "how I am ever going to be happy again" funks. I miss my friend so bad.... I feel sick when I realize I lost her. Dealing with this issue seems to be far harder than the separation issue. My mind is made up on that issue and I'm going forward to a better life no matter what. But what's with this love thing? It's incredibly bloody painful.

Friend called this morning, all full of cheer, wanting to know how I was doing. WTF? How do think I'm fucking doing. Doh! I let her know how I was really feeling, but I'm not sure if she understands..... It's so hard to tell what's going on inside of her head sometimes. Sometimes she comes across as totally cold and uncaring. She could have had the world from me, but seems totally confused as to what her real issues are. Fuck! So much for opening myself up to her and working so damn hard to get to her sooner. I just don't understand people at all.

I'm going to start cleaning out all of the garbage and crap in the house tomorrow. There is so much crap laying around, old wine bottles, expired foodstuff, clothes, etc and it has to go. I'll do a bunch of painting too. Get the rest of the trim and interior doors cleaned up.

I half to start conceiving some sort of positive plan for myself. This business of getting into continual negative situations all of the time is bullshit. Everyone deserves better than that. I have worked and suffered so much, it's freaking well payback time. I have to follow through on my dreams of getting a Westy camper and doing some exploring. The Baja awaits and I'm not getting any younger. I'm going to have to figure out a way of getting some money together in order to afford a bloody camper. Christ, that's going to be tough. I've also got to get aggressive on meeting the right woman for me. No more selfish, controlling, confused jerks. Someone honest and open minded like me :).