Onwards and... sideways?

Well... It's been over three years since my last post and a lot has happened. Finally split up and found a place of my own about two years ago. I've got a cosy little townhouse out in the boondocks which Dog and I share. It's an okay arrangement which allows me to survive financially.

I started to see someone about five weeks ago which has had the purpose of demonstrating that I'm not out of the woods yet in a psychological manner. My old nemesis anxiety has sprung up and helped to sabotage a brand new relationship. It's amazing how one small fear can snowball into something huge and bring one's self to their knees. My anxiety and confusion has helped to completely wreak my brand new relationship, leaving me to ponder my own value. I'm definitely not as strong as I thought I was, and it didn't take much for me to dissolve into a puddle of sadness.

That sucks, and I've decided that I have to do something about it. I've talked to a psychologist and will start cognitive behavior therapy  (CBT) in two days. I must do this, as I can't continue on this roller coaster ride of highs and horrible lows. I'm looking forward to starting as soon as possible in order to try and fix myself.

It's all over but the crying...

Well, I am finally divorced after a tremendous waste of time. I have lost just about everything financial, and things are not looking great for me. We are all still living together in the same house, but that will change soon enough. I'll be fighting to get the house up for sale as soon as possible, as it is far too uncomfortable now. I'm not sure yet how I will survive, but I'll manage somehow. The whole thing is very sad.

I now know why lawyers are such a hated bunch. I have never met such cold, psychotic people in my life (except my ex-wife, of course) . They really don't care much about anyone except for themselves.


It's time for me to pick up the pieces and make another go at life. I feel devastated right now, but I hope to get started on all of the plans I've had over the last few years.

The Idiot

I was listening to some Iggy Pop the other day and realized that I feel just like the title of one of his albums. Lately, everything thing I do seems to be idiotic or "stoopid". I'm really having a tough time interfacing with the real world and it's people. I'm truly getting turned off of people and their absurdities. Is it me, or is it them? Do I really care? Nope.

Enough of the loony tunes stuff.

It appears that I will loose my kids to my spousal unit in my impending divorce. The poor guys don't know it yet, but their mother is going to get them. We'll see how that works out, and if the kids will really go for that.

My youngest had his birthday last Sunday and that turned out to be rather uncomfortable for me. It turned out that his mother had a little birthday party for him in the kitchen while I was once again cleaning the house. I never did get a piece of birthday cake. What is it that turns people into crazed, ignorant monsters? Why is all sorts of misappropriate behavior "allowed" in the household, but not the workplace? I have absolutely no where to turn to when this sort of shit occurs.

Meanwhile, I wait patiently for news from my lawyer...

Why be a hero when you can be a zero

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Life kinda got in the way over the summer, and I became distracted with holidays and things. Likewise, I also renewed my interest in some of my hobbies and spent some enjoyable time with them.

My journey towards marital separation and divorce is crawling along at a snails pace. My lawyer has received absolutely no communications from my wife's lawyer since I was served months ago. I'm stuck waiting for something to happen on her end unless I serve her. I did research the idea of moving out of the house, but I found that I would have to continue to pay for the mortgage and household expenses, plus pay for rent, etc for wherever I would be living. I really don't want to be in that limbo indefinitely, so at home I stay. An ugly necessity, unfortunately.

Life has been relatively stable until several days ago when things blew up rather dramatically over God knows what. According to wife, I'm lazy, useless, a control freak, a poor parent, a very poor husband and a host of other things. Ouch! She demanded I leave immediately, as my staying in the house caused too much tension for the children. You can imagine the reaction I got when I suggested she leave instead. I also asked her to talk to the kids and see if they really wanted me to leave. She informed me that it was to late to ask the kids, as they had already been brainwashed by me. Cool...

To make a long story short, eventually my mother-in-law got in on the whole thing, demanding me to leave, as that was the best thing for the kids, blah, blah, blah. It was a truly sad and absurd evening. The poor kids, in the meantime, had to listen to the tirades once again. I certainly don't need to brainwash my kids against their mother. She (and her mother) are doing a top notch job already. Unbelievable.

I've communicated all of the above to my lawyer, but there's not much which can be done until her lawyer gets off his ass and starts communicating. We do have a date in Family Court coming up quickly (Oct. 2), so that will definitely stir things up. Boy, will I be glad when this mess is over!

I've been served!

Well it's finally happened. My wife got impatient and had her lawyer serve me for divorce. She's basically asking for everything and then some. Whatever...

I've been working like crazy trying to get the home cleaned up, but I have been receiving absolutely no help. You'd think I would of learned from my experiences of the last zillion years of marriage. Argh! Oh well, time to push a little harder and get things finished and done. This life of mine truly sucks right now... I've never felt so alone.

On a brighter note, I suppose that I am being forced to get going with my "new" life. Time to review my mind map of my future life again. There really are so many exciting things which could happen if I let them.

Cool...

The Mood Light

I've built a simple web page outlining the construction of my "Mood Lamp" for the more technical minded. A link to a video of the working lamp is included at the bottom of the page. I had a lot of fun building the lamp during several crisis and home renos'. It may seem tacky to some, but it allowed my burgeoning creative juices to flow.

View Mood Lamp build here.

Wandering, wondering

It's been a long time since I've posted, and it's time to get back online. I fell into a rut of fear and self-loathing for the longest time and I'm presently trying to climb out. The fear of the unknown attacked me and won't let me go... sigh. It's a terrible thing to stick one's head in the sand because: a) it leaves a particular part of one's anatomy terribly exposed, and, b) the knowledge that one will have to face the facts eventually will drive you mad. So here I am, trying to climb out of the same rut I've found myself in so many times before. I feel like the Lion in "Wizard of Oz", looking everywhere for courage, not realizing that it's all in one's heart, ready to be used.

Not only have I had a terrible time fighting fear, I've also had an incredible urge to be creative. I've finally finished the "Mood Lamp" project I mentioned in earlier posts and that was fun, building it in between house renos', kids homework, etc. Now I'd like to move onto my next project, "Jar of Fireflies". I'm really into visual "art" lately, particularly something with soothing colors. I really wish I knew how to paint or photograph...

I've been continuing my research of an ideal vehicle for camping and adventuring. Lately I've looking at bus conversions as the way to go for a comfortable recreational vehicle. Older buses (~15 years and older) sell for less than a good Volkswagen Vanagan Westfalia and they are certainly more suited to long distance highway travel. Negatives include fuel mileage (7 - 10 miles to the gallon), price of tires and other maintenance items, and the shear size of the thing. Still, I'd love to pilot a big bus down to Mexico...

I still haven't moved out of my house, as I didn't see any point at hurrying when there was nothing to strive for. Now that I'm climbing back out of my rut I'm going to ensure I try and follow my "Mind Map" which I so eagerly started. Time to start living again!