My Renewal and Transformation

Onwards and... sideways?

2011-10-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

Well... It's been over three years since my last post and a lot has happened. Finally split up and found a place of my own about two years ago. I've got a cosy little townhouse out in the boondocks which Dog and I share. It's an okay arrangement which allows me to survive financially.

I started to see someone about five weeks ago which has had the purpose of demonstrating that I'm not out of the woods yet in a psychological manner. My old nemesis anxiety has sprung up and helped to sabotage a brand new relationship. It's amazing how one small fear can snowball into something huge and bring one's self to their knees. My anxiety and confusion has helped to completely wreak my brand new relationship, leaving me to ponder my own value. I'm definitely not as strong as I thought I was, and it didn't take much for me to dissolve into a puddle of sadness.

That sucks, and I've decided that I have to do something about it. I've talked to a psychologist and will start cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) in two days. I must do this, as I can't continue on this roller coaster ride of highs and horrible lows. I'm looking forward to starting as soon as possible in order to try and fix myself.

It's all over but the crying...

2008-05-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I am finally divorced after a tremendous waste of time. I have lost just about everything financial, and things are not looking great for me. We are all still living together in the same house, but that will change soon enough. I'll be fighting to get the house up for sale as soon as possible, as it is far too uncomfortable now. I'm not sure yet how I will survive, but I'll manage somehow. The whole thing is very sad.

I now know why lawyers are such a hated bunch. I have never met such cold, psychotic people in my life (except my ex-wife, of course) . They really don't care much about anyone except for themselves.

It's time for me to pick up the pieces and make another go at life. I feel devastated right now, but I hope to get started on all of the plans I've had over the last few years.

The Idiot

2007-10-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some Iggy Pop the other day and realized that I feel just like the title of one of his albums. Lately, everything thing I do seems to be idiotic or "stoopid". I'm really having a tough time interfacing with the real world and it's people. I'm truly getting turned off of people and their absurdities. Is it me, or is it them? Do I really care? Nope.

Enough of the loony tunes stuff.

It appears that I will loose my kids to my spousal unit in my impending divorce. The poor guys don't know it yet, but their mother is going to get them. We'll see how that works out, and if the kids will really go for that.

My youngest had his birthday last Sunday and that turned out to be rather uncomfortable for me. It turned out that his mother had a little birthday party for him in the kitchen while I was once again cleaning the house. I never did get a piece of birthday cake. What is it that turns people into crazed, ignorant monsters? Why is all sorts of misappropriate behavior "allowed" in the household, but not the workplace? I have absolutely no where to turn to when this sort of shit occurs.

Meanwhile, I wait patiently for news from my lawyer...

Why be a hero when you can be a zero

2007-09-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Life kinda got in the way over the summer, and I became distracted with holidays and things. Likewise, I also renewed my interest in some of my hobbies and spent some enjoyable time with them.

My journey towards marital separation and divorce is crawling along at a snails pace. My lawyer has received absolutely no communications from my wife's lawyer since I was served months ago. I'm stuck waiting for something to happen on her end unless I serve her. I did research the idea of moving out of the house, but I found that I would have to continue to pay for the mortgage and household expenses, plus pay for rent, etc for wherever I would be living. I really don't want to be in that limbo indefinitely, so at home I stay. An ugly necessity, unfortunately.

Life has been relatively stable until several days ago when things blew up rather dramatically over God knows what. According to wife, I'm lazy, useless, a control freak, a poor parent, a very poor husband and a host of other things. Ouch! She demanded I leave immediately, as my staying in the house caused too much tension for the children. You can imagine the reaction I got when I suggested she leave instead. I also asked her to talk to the kids and see if they really wanted me to leave. She informed me that it was to late to ask the kids, as they had already been brainwashed by me. Cool...

To make a long story short, eventually my mother-in-law got in on the whole thing, demanding me to leave, as that was the best thing for the kids, blah, blah, blah. It was a truly sad and absurd evening. The poor kids, in the meantime, had to listen to the tirades once again. I certainly don't need to brainwash my kids against their mother. She (and her mother) are doing a top notch job already. Unbelievable.

I've communicated all of the above to my lawyer, but there's not much which can be done until her lawyer gets off his ass and starts communicating. We do have a date in Family Court coming up quickly (Oct. 2), so that will definitely stir things up. Boy, will I be glad when this mess is over!

I've been served!

2007-05-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well it's finally happened. My wife got impatient and had her lawyer serve me for divorce. She's basically asking for everything and then some. Whatever...

I've been working like crazy trying to get the home cleaned up, but I have been receiving absolutely no help. You'd think I would of learned from my experiences of the last zillion years of marriage. Argh! Oh well, time to push a little harder and get things finished and done. This life of mine truly sucks right now... I've never felt so alone.

On a brighter note, I suppose that I am being forced to get going with my "new" life. Time to review my mind map of my future life again. There really are so many exciting things which could happen if I let them.

Cool...

The Mood Light

2007-04-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

I've built a simple web page outlining the construction of my "Mood Lamp" for the more technical minded. A link to a video of the working lamp is included at the bottom of the page. I had a lot of fun building the lamp during several crisis and home renos'. It may seem tacky to some, but it allowed my burgeoning creative juices to flow.

View Mood Lamp build here.

Wandering, wondering

2007-04-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted, and it's time to get back online. I fell into a rut of fear and self-loathing for the longest time and I'm presently trying to climb out. The fear of the unknown attacked me and won't let me go... sigh. It's a terrible thing to stick one's head in the sand because: a) it leaves a particular part of one's anatomy terribly exposed, and, b) the knowledge that one will have to face the facts eventually will drive you mad. So here I am, trying to climb out of the same rut I've found myself in so many times before. I feel like the Lion in "Wizard of Oz", looking everywhere for courage, not realizing that it's all in one's heart, ready to be used.

Not only have I had a terrible time fighting fear, I've also had an incredible urge to be creative. I've finally finished the "Mood Lamp" project I mentioned in earlier posts and that was fun, building it in between house renos', kids homework, etc. Now I'd like to move onto my next project, "Jar of Fireflies". I'm really into visual "art" lately, particularly something with soothing colors. I really wish I knew how to paint or photograph...

I've been continuing my research of an ideal vehicle for camping and adventuring. Lately I've looking at bus conversions as the way to go for a comfortable recreational vehicle. Older buses (~15 years and older) sell for less than a good Volkswagen Vanagan Westfalia and they are certainly more suited to long distance highway travel. Negatives include fuel mileage (7 - 10 miles to the gallon), price of tires and other maintenance items, and the shear size of the thing. Still, I'd love to pilot a big bus down to Mexico...

I still haven't moved out of my house, as I didn't see any point at hurrying when there was nothing to strive for. Now that I'm climbing back out of my rut I'm going to ensure I try and follow my "Mind Map" which I so eagerly started. Time to start living again!

2007-02-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.” - Chuck Palahniuk

I'm busy painting and sanding again, and this gives me time to think about things which pop into my head. I'm still curious as hell as to what makes us tick. Is all we what we are located inside the brain? Is that all that life and it's experiences are, just a sequence of electrical impulses and chemical responses? I sure hope not. That thought doesn't mesh well with my romantic ideas of our thoughts and souls being connected to a holographic universe. My minor experimentation with remote viewing and "esp" seems to agree more with connections between our brains and "something" else (such as a holographic storage medium).

Okay... so maybe I'm thinking to much. :)

But what if there is much, much more to us than just living flesh and electrical impulses? There must be something more which makes us think about ourselves, makes us fall in love, and makes us wonder...

Who are you? Random thoughts on who we really are...

2007-01-30T14:32:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine commented to me about my blog last week, remarking on the fact that I have appeared to have moved forward in my mind space and life. It's true, I have. But the remarkable thing about writing a blog concerning one's life is rediscovering the true self. It's been amazing to start writing something and have unbridled emotions and thoughts come bubbling up. This has been very, very therapeutic in many ways, and I'm so glad to be entering an enlightened life through blogging.

So why are we like caged animals most of the time? Why can we not break the emotional chains which tie us to misery (for some), or don't allow us to grow to our full potential? I have been pondering this thought for a while now, as I begin to recognize some of my own emotional chains which have kept me from growing in ways that I should have.

I suppose asking everyone to free themselves of mental bondage is like asking everyone to forget everything they've learned and were taught over the years. Obviously, some of that information is useful, so we can't purge our minds entirely. Where do we start in the cleansing process, and what do we clean up and discard? Perhaps we should learn to find and define our core values first, then work our way outwards as in a mind map.

Just think of all of the fears, phobias, and sicknesses we've been burdened with by way of schooling, religion, government and other influential institutions. Now, I must be careful here, as I don't want to imply that these institutions are all bad. There are many good points about each one. But abuse of knowledge, and the reluctance to allow free thinking is common place.

Or perhaps it's just human nature to be lazy, to follow the least path of resistance, or to need a sense of security (usually false) by letting themselves be taken "care" of by higher institutions. Many people are not interested in thinking, let alone growing. The content of mainstream television appears to prove that point.

Never-the-less... I digress. :)

My intention for this year is to dig down through the flotsam and jetsam of my confused and puzzled mind, and find that bright, burning core of the soul. I want to discard all which harms and bothers, and concentrate on growing my consciousness in a healthy and meaningful manner.

How about you?

"Well, I keep gettin' younger...my life's been funny that way" - Neil Young, Crime in The City

2007-01-22T09:43:00.004-08:00

Funny thing about getting older... the body changes, but the mind doesn't seem too. Internally I feel the same way I did when I was twenty-five (except for being a tiny bit wiser), but my external self (body) is telling me otherwise. I suppose it's time to ensure my external self stays in good, healthy shape. My mind certainly gets lots of exercise, my body does not.

It's interesting and sad all at once to realize that the human body deteriorates no matter how young one feels. Does our soul remain forever young and ageless?

Last week was a truly intense week with several extremes occurring in my life.

First was the gift of some computer memory from a colleague at work. My youngest son and I have been looking for more memory for his computer, but have been unable to afford any at the present. I never even put the word out to my workmates, but the memory appeared just like I had asked for it. Definitely the law of attraction at work. Cool.

Second was the theft of my work laptops from my car. That was a BAD thing. I lost some good information there.

Third was my wife finding out who my lawyer is (a very, very good one). She totally and completely freaked out, throwing pots and pans at me, and scaring the heck out of the kids. Seems that she feels that she should have the right to approve of which lawyer I retain (NOT!). Once she calmed down a bit I told her that I would call the police and have her charged with assault if she ever threw anything at me or hit me (yes, it has happened before). I also told the kids to call the police if they ever felt in danger at home. Looks like my new single life will begin shortly.

Forth, I experienced great success last week in my endeavour to become more "psychic". A very nice lady in England has been practicing "remote viewing" with me, and we've been quite successful in receiving images from each other. Cool stuff, if not a little freaky.

Fifth is my horoscope (I'm a Pisces) for the moment which is bang on.
"The Moon passes through Pisces from January 21 to 23, heightening your emotional sensitivity and enhancing your psychic receptivity. dreams and visions keep you entertained while a series of unusual events may keep you amused and perplexed. You may feel that you truly want to make a difference in the world, and you may set out to do so."
Cool...

Interesting times. Instead of feeling beaten up and depressed I feel stronger and happier. I now know what I want and where I want to go. I know that I can do just about anything... This is so exciting!

Hopefully this coming year will prove to be as positive as I feel right now...

If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all...

2007-01-17T12:11:00.000-08:00

Wow! Weird things are happening to me lately. I had my two work laptop computers stolen out of my car trunk yesterday morning. I had yet another appointment with the retinal surgeon yesterday morning, and I foolishly parked my car (containing the laptops) in an underground parkade. When I was done with the appointment I got into my car, drove to work, opened my trunk and discovered it was empty. I still don't know how the thieves got into the car. Four thousand dollars worth of laptop computers and priceless data gone. An expensive lesson.... Fortunately, I work for an understanding manager who is more concerned that I didn't surprise the person(s) breaking into my car. So now I sit at work, doing even less than I did before (hmmm, is that possible?), waiting for a new computer. The positive (if you can call it that) thing out of that is that my wife ranted at me after I told her what had happened. No support, just anger and rant. I was starting to feel to comfortable at home again, so this has indirectly given me a bit of a kick in the backside to get moving again.

Oddly enough, my mood has remained positive and upbeat. I'm determined to get through this phase of my life in one piece, and nothing is going to stop me.

I've been furiously working on stripping wallpaper in the laundry room of my house. I've discovered the usual disaster underneath the wallpaper - bare drywall and plaster. Lots of work to fix that up, but I don't mind too much as it keeps me busy while the lawyers do whatever they're supposed to do. We've had several impressive wind and snow storms pass through the region, so it's kinda nice to be working away in the basement as the weather rages away outside.

I finally went out and purchased one of my favorite books (I've been loaning it from the library 'till now) which I have mentioned in previous posts - "How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci: Seven Steps to Genius Every Day". What a great book. I'm really enjoying the challenge of trying to think like Leonardo. That fellow was truly amazing...

Just in case I get bored (!), I've decided to build a neat "Mood Lamp" someone has created. I like this "kitschy" sort of thing, plus this little project gives me an outlet for my creative urges. I've ordered parts for this lamp from all over the world, and I'm having fun corresponding with others building the same thing. Hopefully, it won't be too long before I can proudly display pictures of my creation on my blog. Fun stuff!

2007-01-09T12:51:00.000-08:00

Mind mapping...

I have always been interested in maps and mapping techniques, and I've eagerly embraced "Mind Mapping" since I read about it in "How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci". Mind mapping is a great way for people like me who are totally scatterbrained and unorganized to create a visual list or map of the multiple paths required to meet certain goals. I recently downloaded and installed "Freemind", which is a free mind mapping application, and I sat down and mapped out a mind map which is centralized on my happiness. It was lots of fun rediscovering the things which I used to yearn for, plus add new things to help enable my future happiness. See my mind map here. Now I have to get serious and follow some of those paths...

I've been looking for art which gives me the "warm fuzzies" and I ran across a site which has reproduced pictures from the book "Oxford: Brief Historical and Descriptive Notes". Beautiful stuff. I love the detail put into the works. How an artist can reproduce a scene to near camera quality is totally beyond me. I'd love to have those skills. Yet another goal to map out on my mind map... :)

I haven't been posting lately because of a variety of reasons, including a nasty hard drive failure (ended up doing a major upgrade to my computer....cool), activities with the kids, and a definite writer's block. Plus, I've motivated myself back to doing a little more work on the house after seeing this years property assessment. The assessed value has gone up another $50,000, so it can't hurt to put a little more spit and polish into the place as I wait for the lawyers to make up their minds. So I'm back to scraping and painting while thinking about Leesa and her "Princess Panties". I have to get a life..... :)

2006-12-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

Collecting radios...

Since I have been writing about my various hobbies, I might as well continue on for at least another post. :)

I have been interested in radios since childhood. I made my very first radio (with the help of my father) at the age of eight or nine from directions out of a Cub Scout manual. I've been hooked on radios and building electronics projects ever since. There's something magical to me about capturing radio signals out of thin air. I have spent many nights in the last forty years listening to many different types of radios, trying to receive stations from all over the world. My kids don't understand, because they have the Internet. That's kind of sad to me, as I always found it to be an exciting challenge to pick up that far away station, especially with an old vacuum tube radio. Ahhh.... there's nothing like sitting in a darkened room listening to an glowing radio... Must be the romantic in me. :)

I have been collecting radios for years, but I was forced to quit for a while as I was accussed of cluttering the house up. I used to collect the old vacuum tube radios, but they are getting too expensive, rare and too large to store. I'm now on the look-out for small transistor radios. There's still lots of them around and they are relatively inexpensive. I must say that I do enjoy searching second hand stores and thrift shops for interesting deals. That's something I'm going to combine with travel in my oncoming "new" life.

I have photographed a few of my radios which can be seen here. I have a bunch of nice old wooden cabinet radios, but they are all stored (or hidden) away for the moment...

2006-12-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all!

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

I will celebrate Christmas with my kids tonight, on Christmas Eve. My European parents instilled that one in us kids. :)

Have a loving and caring Christmas!

2006-12-21T14:34:00.000-08:00

And finally, the other shoe drops...

Well it's finally happened. The first solid step towards my "freedom" has occurred. My wife has finally retained a lawyer. She curtly announced to me last night that I should get my lawyer to contact hers. With pleasure! I know there are going to be some tough decisions ahead, but I have to admit that I'm excited over things starting to move ahead. One of many burdens has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I went to a "singing bowl" concert last night which was fantastic. I have never heard them before and it was a real treat to listen to the wonderful harmonics and overtones. Very relaxing...

I will be spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day by myself. My wife will be taking the kids with her to her various family members. It will just be the dog and I, which might just be a nice thing...

2006-12-18T09:14:00.000-08:00

"And in the third row a ligure, an agate, and an amethyst." - Exodus 39:12

Another hobby of mine is rock hounding, particularly for agates. In the past, my parents would take us kids rock hounding on the banks Fraser River. Every Sunday would be spent driving up and down the Fraser Valley in our Volkswagen Bus, looking for choice rock hounding places. We never really new much about rocks, but we became acquainted with the pretty agates, which glowed in the sun with their unique radiance. The winter is the best time to go rock hounding at the Fraser River, as the water level is usually much lower than in the summer and choice rock hounding areas are exposed. Agate is a relatively light weight rock, so the banks of the river are replenished every year by rock being deposited by the current and the scouring action of the river when it runs high. It can be a lot of fun to hunt for these colorful rocks when the sun's angle is just right and a recent rain has washed the area clean. The Agates in the picture above are rocks I have found at the Fraser River and on the beaches of Boundary Bay. Click here for a larger picture of my Agates.

Agates will always hold a special place in my heart. I love the way they glow in the sun, I love the way they feel (Agate is a softer rock, therefore it feels different than other rocks) and I enjoy the challenge of finding them. It always amazes me how the Earth has produced such interesting wonders as the diverse amount of rocks and gems. I always wonder from which volcano and when in history an Agate that I find was made.

There is also gold dust on the banks of the river, but usually it can only be found in very small quantities by gold panning. I have several gold pans which I received as a child which have been put to good use on the Fraser River. Unfortunately, I've only ever recovered a small amount of gold dust.

There are also Agates to be found in other parts of British Columbia, particularly a type of Agate called a "Thunder Egg". I have never found a Thunder Egg, but I look forward to taking the dog and kids into the interior of the province to do a little Thunder Egg rock hounding. This is where my dream of having a Volkswagen Westfalia Camper comes in, something like that would be perfect for exploring the back roads and wilderness of British Columbia.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to return to my hobby of rocking hounding in the near future, plus I would like to enlarge my scope to hunt for other rocks and fossils, and possibly dabble in some lapidary.

Life is going to be so much fun once I gain a little bit of freedom. This is so exciting!

2006-12-14T13:45:00.000-08:00

Collateral damage...

I'm trying to figure out all of the things which will be affected when I finally move out. One thing which I'm concerned about is one of my hobbies - Blue Orchard Mason Bees. These bees are unlike honey bees in the fact that they are not social bees. They do not live together in a hive, Mason bees are solitary bees. They are very hardy bees and superb pollinators, but they do not make honey. The Mason bee has a peculiar life cycle, they emerge once the daytime temperatures reach about 15 degrees C., and their lifespan is about four to six weeks. Eggs are laid during this time in old trees or logs which have holes from Woodpeckers or other things. The eggs are sealed off with a layer of mud and "bee spit", which is quite weatherproof. These bees are quite docile, the male bees cannot sting, and the females rarely do. They are extremely efficient pollinators, much better than the common honey bee. My father and I got interested in these bees about ten years ago after we saw an interesting article on them in a local gardening magazine. My father built some nesting blocks and was able to successfully "capture" some bees (none were actually captured, bees laid eggs in the nesting block). I was able to take some bees home and start them going in my back yard. That grew into me having a dozen large nesting blocks set up, with enough capacity for four to five thousand bees. They do multiply well, if encouraged! I gave away about eighteen hundred bees last year, but I still have a bunch left. I'll have to do something with them before Spring. The kids and I have had a lot of fun with them. I'll miss them...

Resources:
Knox Cellars
Beediverse

2006-12-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

Turning Challenges into Achievement...

This week has begun as very busy, but satisfying with much to do at work. That's a good thing, as I fought my loneliness and inner demons all weekend long. I started work at 5:30 AM in order to do a bunch of work in the "quieter" time. I'm the prime in a project which is migrating long distance telephone traffic onto a national voice over IP network, and it's been a lot of work to stay on top of the others involved. I'm being paid an awful lot to babysit, but hey, it's a job. :)

My wife's actions are growing increasingly irritating, but I guess that comes with the territory. I received an e-mail from her in my company e-mail this morning which states:

"Since I have not heard anything more about your plans for Christmas, my family and I will go ahead with the following arrangements:

I will be taking the boys for Christmas - Dec. 25 and Boxing Day - Dec 26th

I will be working the following days:

December 27, 28, 29, 30, 31 & Jan 1, 5, 6 & 7

Blah, Blah, Blah..."

Whatever... things are very close to the end now. Bizarre, we're still living together, yet she has to communicate in this fashion. I guess so everything is in writing for the lawyers... In a way I'm glad she wrote that e-mail, as I'm the type of guy who needs a kick in the rear every so often in order remain on track. This sort of stuff absolutely convinces me that I need to get out and escape from all of the nonsense.

I purchased another book on the weekend, "The Law of Attraction" by Abraham-Hicks. This is a different book than the one that I have been reading by Michael Losier. It is an excellent read with lots of interesting ideas. I'm quite excited by the book and the process it lays out. It's just more cool stuff to help me along this crooked path.

I forgot to mention in last week's "creativity" post about a wonderful documentary I watched with my youngest son. It is called "Dogtown and Z-Boys" and it's a wonderful look at skateboarding history in California. I am in no way a skateboarding enthusiast, but I thoroughly enjoyed this story and it's characters, particularly since this all happened at the same time when I was a teenager (back in the stone ages).

This week might prove to be interesting if my wife actually does see her lawyer. I used to be frightened by the idea... now I'm just plain excited.

2006-12-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

"I'm lonely, yeah baby I'm lonely..." - BTO, Life goes on

Paragraphs removed due to security concerns.

Our ego is our enemy. It makes us do stupid things, it creates tremendous pain and it turns us into liars and cheats. Wouldn't it be nice to discard the ego? I know that I could have had a different life without that damn ego in the way. So... there's another challenge. Tone down the ego and try looking out of these eyes with a more simpler, humble perspective. Will it buy me anything? Who knows...anything to get away from this stupid pain...

2006-12-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

"Message in a Bottle..."

I subscribe to daily "Notes from the Universe" at tut.com for a bit of a moral boost and it amazes me with what I get from them at times. Today's note reads:

They went looking for you awhile back, Greg. They heard rumors you were headed out on your own. That you had returned to the jungles of time and space. That you wanted to prove once and for all that dreams do come true, thoughts become things, and that all is exactly as it should be. That the size of a dream has no bearing on its ability to come true. That abundance, health and harmony are one's default settings, and their attainment comes effortlessly when you invite them into your life with demonstrated expectation.

They wanted to tell you they already knew this.

Oh heck,
The Universe

Wow! Pretty accurate for a random note. Maybe there's hope after all!

2006-12-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

"I guess you know that I, uh, I love you so
Even though you don't want me no more
Hey hey hey hey, I'm cryin' tears..." - Al Green, Tired of Being Alone

Paragraphs removed due to security concerns.

I had another visit to the retinal surgeon yesterday. My eye is stable, so we're going to wait with the injections or surgery. That's good news, I suppose...

Christmas is starting to look decidedly unpleasant. I can't wait to get that over with so I can push ahead as hard and fast as possible. I can't bear living like this anymore.

This self pity and sorrow sucks...

2006-12-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

I wanna be an artist when I grow up....

I've been having these terrible urges to bust out and do all sorts of creative things, but I don't really know how to. Some days I feel like taking open cans of paint and throwing them against a wall to see what I can do (hmmm... sounds more destructive than creative :) ). This all makes me wonder how people can live in a repressive society where creative thought is a no-no. That must be like torture to some.

I need to find a medium through which I can develop some artistic skills. Presently, I can't draw or paint worth a darn, but maybe I can look elsewhere for a creative outlet.

Artsy stuff I find interesting:

Ayad Al Qaragholli - I love this man's paintings. He is an Iraqi artist out of Baghdad. See his paintings here: http://alqaragholli.com/gallery_paintings.htm .

Music - There is so much cool music hidden in blogs right now. The trick is to find it all... Some cool stuff I've stumbled upon:
Cassettes Won't Listen - neat stuff, particularly "The Sidewalk Cruise".
Bluebell - Oh man... she's got one of those voices that I fall in love with right away... The song "The Fight in the Cafe" is beautiful.
Buck 65 - One of my real favorites. I love the words and mood in "Drunk without Drinking".
The Madrigirls - Something a little different. Three women singing in a medieval and renaissance style. Beautiful voices.
The Ditty Bops - Great voices and cute too.

Making music - Reed Ghazala's Anti-Theory Workshop . Now this is cool stuff, making music with modified (mutilated?) children's toys such as the "Speak and Spell". The anarchist in me loves the idea!

I'd really like to learn to make short movies or animations. What I'd like to start with is podcasting, and then move on to video casting. Something to strive for in the future...

2006-11-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

"But don't you think that I know that walking on water won't make me a miracle man?" - Elvis Costello, Miracle Man

I am on an online Nortel course for the next two days, and so far it's been really boring! It's called "Carrier Voice Over IP", and I probably need it's information, but I tend to fall asleep after a while listening to such dry material. It's one of those courses where you log into a server somewhere and listen and watch to a presentation done by someone far away (Raleigh, North Carolina in this case). Oh well, I'm getting paid to learn, so I won't complain too much...(yawn)

The weather here has really been something this week. More snow and freezing rain yesterday and last night, yet now it's 2 degrees (36 degrees F.) and messy out. The kids love it, as they've already missed a day of school because of the weather. I think it's pretty (the snow), but the commute to work and back has been hell as evidenced by the picture on the left. I'm crawling past an accident on the other side of the bridge in that picture.

I bought a lovely little book called "It Works" a couple of days ago. It follows in the same vein as "The Law of Attraction". It's only thirty pages long, but that doesn't detract from it's beauty. The books' premise is "Mind over Matter"; you can get anything you want by just asking the "universe" for it. I find the whole idea intriguing... As an aside, I firmly believe that positive thinking will get me somewhere a whole lot faster.

I will keep my audience up to date on how I do with my "asking"...

As you've probably noticed, I've been experimenting in small ways with the blog (captions, pictures, etc.). I have a tremendous need to be creative; I'd love to be able to paint or take good photographs, so this blog is the start of my tentative creative efforts.

Speaking of creativity, here's a fun link someone at work sent me: explodingdog blog. Don't worry, it's not about cruelty to dogs, it's about a fellow who does simple, but amazingly good drawings from peoples request.

Thanks to the nice folks who have been leaving comments. I truly appreciate that!

Greg

2006-11-28T17:22:00.000-08:00

Relapse No. 207

What's with the title, you might ask. It's another relapse of mine into anger. Today was a day mixed with frustration and anger. The last bunch of weeks of me being moody, grumpy and feeling sorry for myself have had some negative effects at work. My boss is beginning to ride me 'cause I've had a month of poor productivity (Who me? The model employee?). I've alienated my co-workers because they're getting sick of me (Tough, guys...). My best friend at work won't talk to me right now. And what do I do? I get angry...

My bad.

This business of remaking one's self hurts a lot more than I thought it would. If all this of this is a mid-life crisis, I'm thankful that it only happens once in a lifetime. But...I suspect it's more than that.

We had a tremendous snowfall a couple of days ago, and now the temperatures here are quite low (for the West Coast). It went down to about -12 degrees C. (about 11 degrees Fahrenheit) last night and it will probably get that way again tonight. It's a chilly 10 degrees C. (50 F.) in my basement where I'm writing this post right now. Brrrr! Driving in the Vancouver area is always interesting when it snows; the municipalities are ill prepared to clear roads after a snow storm.

I shot some video on the way into work yesterday with my camera because everything looked so pretty under the snow. Note that I only shot video when I was on clear roads. :) See videos 1 and 2. The videos are nothing special, but I had fun with them. I also took some pictures on the way home. See pictures 1 and 2.

My appointment with the Retinal Surgeon was postponed yesterday because of the snowfall, but I did get in this afternoon to see him. He feels that the blood in my eye has lessened somewhat and he wants to wait and see me back in a weeks time. Evidently, past "injuries" to the back of the eye can weep blood from time to time, depending on stress levels, alignment of the planets, blah, blah, blah. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I've been spared the hypodermic needle to the eye for this week, so that's okay. Phew!

I am waiting eagerly for my wife to see her lawyer in a few weeks. I want to get the ball rolling as quickly as possibly for us. I have thought about moving out in December, but I realized that it might be nicer for the kids to have me here around Christmas. After that though.... look out! Here I come.

Even with all of my angryness and sorrowness (hmm...that's not a real word) I am determined to ensure that my attitude becomes more positive. Much of my anger today was created by others moaning and groaning away, and I can't stand that anymore. Onwards and upwards! Negative people stay away! Sticks in the mud stay away! People who are afraid to change stay away! Come on, let's take some risks!

Wow, I look back on this post and realize it's a jumble of thoughts and emotions just dribbling out. Note to self - get organized!

2006-11-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

"Well, if I was a saint with a silver cup and the money got low, we could always heat it up or trade it in..." - Blame it on Cain, Elvis Costello

I puttered away on our storage/furnace room today, fixing up dents in the walls and holes in the ceiling. I like doing work like that. I'm able to do a good enough job now that I can be satisfied and proud when I'm finished. I've done good, hard work on this house all year long. Nobody has appreciated the effort I have put into this, but I still feel good about it. To bad it's got to be sold, though. There a few crummy pictures of painting the house and such in my gallery.

We had a massive (for us) snowfall today. It appears that we've received about 40 centimetres of the white stuff, and it's still snowing now. We lost power for about an hour and a half earlier; lots of tress and branches are coming down over power lines due to the weight of the snow. Pretty incredible stuff for this area and time of year. We don't usually get weather like this.

I downloaded an incredible audio file by Bob Proctor (of The Secret movie) titled "Attitude". It's a fabulous dissertation on how one's attitude can make or break one's success in life. The idea behind "Attitude" is to have a good, positive attitude no matter what. If something negative occurs, maintain the attitude that there is always something positive tied in to it. Bob's theory is that for every negative there is also a positive. And if you shy away from the negatives and embrace the positives (as you find them) you will succeed where others fail because of their negative attitudes. The key ingredient is to make sure that your attitude and emotions don't control you and your life. Keep a positive attitude and find good things in issues others have given up on. Cool stuff...

The last four weeks have made me reevaluate myself so many times that my head is spinning. I have learned much and met many interesting people. Now it's time to put some of the things I have learned into motion. It will be an interesting time for me in 2007.

I see the retinal surgeon tomorrow (if I can get through the snow) and he will decide what to do with my left eye. Supposedly he is one of the best specialists in the area and I'm going to trust his judgement. Another interesting day coming....

I'm still mourning the lose of my relationship with my friend. Damn, I miss her...

2006-11-25T10:35:00.000-08:00

The stuff the universe is made of...

What is this universe we exist in? Is it all as real as we think it is? Or are we all part of some much grander scheme, where our thoughts and being are really just part of some huge consciousness or organic machine? The more I study and the more I experience, the more I wonder at what I'm really doing here. Unfortunately, I suspect our brains are "hard coded" in such a fashion as to require constant purpose in order to keep alive the survival instinct (and drive us crazy with constant questions!). Perhaps there is no purpose. Perhaps we're just here to play and experience...

I love the idea of the "Butterfly effect". A butterfly flaps it's wings and creates a tiny change which snowballs into something huge. Is that what's happening with us? Every emotion and every thought starts off as a (relatively) small "signal" which eventually develops into something big enough to influence our lives. Wow... total chaos if not handled carefully.

I like to see the universe as a huge, multi-dimensional matrix; everything is connected together through this matrix. A little nudge or thought enters one end of the matrix, travels along, branching off and returning to it's path, until it reaches a destination changed and possibly amplified or attenuated from it's original intent. Plus, the thought has touched many others via the "matrix" influencing many other intentions and thoughts. No wonder the world is so chaotic!

If this "theory" is correct, then a pure, concentrated thought appears the only way to truly change one's life and purpose. Consider your target carefully, remove all distractions and noise from your mind, and then manifest your thought. Hmmm... sounds a bit like meditation....

I personally have so much noise and racket going on inside my head that I have a great deal of trouble in manifesting pure thoughts (Please note I'm not referring to pure and impure as clean and unclean. Pure as in bright shining, purposeful thoughts.). One of my goals for my future is to try and control the racket in my head a bit in order to control my life a bit better.

So much work, so little time....

2006-11-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

Manifesting...

I've been trying my damnedest to manifest me a new life. I'm so tired of all the negatives which seem to have latched on to me for the last five or six weeks. I've done a tremendous amount of reading on the "Law of Attraction" and I've begun to realize that I've apparently "attracted" a lot of this bad stuff due to my own bad moods and thoughts. What a vicious freakin' well circle. So, I think bad things 'cause they're happening to me, and then more crummy things are attracted to me. Geeze!

Perhaps the answer is to do some physical manifesting, instead of just wishful thinking. There is so much pain and fear inside of me right now that I feel like I'm stuck deep in a rut with no way out. Every move I make sends more waves of pain, fear and guilt through me. How did I ever get this weak?

I'm wise enough (Hah!) to know that I can't stay in this state much longer or some sort of insanity will prevail. I've gotten paralyzed by feelings of guilt over whats going to happen to my kids with the impending divorce, I've become paralyzed with pain over losing the start to a wonderful relationship with my friend. But... as I write this I know why I've fucked up so. And it is to do with my wonderful children. I feel so damned guilty about disrupting their lives because I can't get my own life together. Problem is, I can't keep on sacrificing my own happiness in order to keep this family life the same way it's always been. What an effing mess! This is truly driving me crazy...

I must take some sort of action tomorrow. I'm going to try and start cleaning up the financial mess I'm in. That will be a start. And I'm not going to give up on manifesting a better life for myself. The one huge wish I have right now is to simply be accepted and loved. I haven't felt this lonely for a long, long time and I can't handle it for much longer.

Stay tuned to see if I really do get off my ass and do something about my plight...

2006-11-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

"I can't stand up for falling down" - part 2

Well it's happened again. My left eye is hemorrhaging internally again. I am suffering from Myopic Degeneration, and I have already gone through one treatment early this year. Looks like I'll have to go through it again. Damn! I went to the retinal surgeon this afternoon and he rushed me into the lab for a florosceine (a dye gets pumped into a vein and pictures are taken of your retina at the same time). He was pretty concerned, to say the least. I meet with him again on Monday and he'll decide what treatment I get, laser surgery or an injection of some kind of anti-cancer drug into the eyeball. Crap. The last thing I want to do is have to go to the hospital again, as I have no one left to take me there and back.

Take note, everybody, this is what happens once you reach forty - the body starts to fall apart. :(

I just can't believe my run of bad luck. The last month has truly been a downer. Got to get outa this crummy rut...

2006-11-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

"These eyes" - The Guess Who

I had a problem with my eyes earlier this year called "Myopic Degeneration". A blood vessel burst in the back of my left eye, filling the eye with blood. The eye required laser surgery to close up the blood vessel. The surgery appeared to be successful, with most of my vision coming back by late summer. Now it appears that I'm back in the same boat again, with my vision in the same eye decreasing again. This is not good. I don't want to go through all of the tests and visits to the hospital again. I go see the retinal surgeon this afternoon to find out if I'm imagining things or if I have a problem again.

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2006-11-08T07:52:00.000-08:00

And life goes on....

I went on a two hour course on dowsing last night. Fascinating course, with a great instructor. We ended up discussing all sorts of things spiritual and paranormal. I think I'm starting to get just the slightest idea of where I'm going, and it doesn't look to bad. It appears (as I had suspected) that there is a lot of potential for love, and expansion of one's horizons in the universe.

I have to find my true path in life. Like I said, I think I might now where I might be going, now I have to find that path to take me there. I'm beginning to realize that I have wandered aimlessly for many, many years and it's now time to perform some navigation to get onto my "chosen" path. Sounds almost ominous, but I don't think it has to be. One thing my instructor from last night commented on (she is an intuitive) is that I appear to have a voracious appetite for learning. That fact is absolutely true. I can't seem to learn enough, fast enough, at times. This does, unfortunately, have the effect of making me appear distracted and scatter-brained at times. Too bad. Learning is part of my path and I will not change that. Call it one of my core fundamental values.

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Sentence removed due to security concerns.True, it is comforting to be rooted in something safe and secure, but that is not the same as being grounded. Being rooted is an escape from fear of the unknown, the fear of change, the fear of pain. It's true that we are all rooted in some manner or another (and yes, I'm totally guilty of that too), but I believe that to change and open up to new possibilities requires uprooting one's self and discarding some of those fears, I know, I know... easier said than done. It's something I have struggled with for many years. I learned last night that grounding is something entirely different. Grounding requires a transfer of energies from one's self to Mother Earth and the Universal light. It gives you strength and protection, among other things. Of course, I am not an expert by any means on this subject and I really have no right to judge others in the way that they might view grounding and their life. But.... I suspect my dear friend got scared with what was going on between the two of us and did the thing safest for her - go and root herself back into her little zone of perceived safety and security. Sigh....

It's time again for me to send some powerful messages to the universe in order to help my transformation along. I need to get out of this rut and grow. I would love to share my love with someone who will share like in return. I want to experience all the universe has to offer. I'm ready and willing to share myself with the universe....

2006-11-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

"Whole lot of mourning going on..." - Part 2

Evening now; nights are the worst. Sentences removed for the moment due to security concerns. How is it that someone can turn one into a weeping child? It isn't fair.

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Of course, now I'm petrified that I'll never find anyone to love and to love me. Every damn relationship I've had has ended in some sort of disaster. I know I must think more positively about relationships, but it's damn hard to. God, I hope my kids are luckier than I have been....

Okay... now the trick is to send out some positive messages to the universe. I don't want to be lonely anymore, I want to be loved and happy again. I'm ready to plead allegiance to God and anything else if my prayers are answered. Hmmm.... pretty pathetic actually. But.... there must be a way to connect to one's soul mate, if there is such a thing. I suppose that is one of my mission statements now - I will find my soul mate, if it means searching the entire universe.....

2006-11-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

"Whole lot of mourning going on..."

A tiny bit of a better day today. Starting to mourn for my wonderful relationship with my friend again, though. I am so sad it had to end. I'm still trying to figure where I went wrong. I tried my best, as I usually try to, but I suspect my other "projects" (painting the house, managing the kids, living with that idiot of a wife, etc.) got in the way. I know the house and the wife distracted me, but I didn't think the distractions were that bad. I suppose too, that I wasn't being aggressive enough in getting ready to leave the wife. There just was no way to win, the way I see it. One (or two) wrong move(s), and everything gets interpreted incorrectly. Damn, that makes me sad.......

2006-11-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

What the hell is all of this pain for?

Why on earth does our brain create so much pain? Is it a defect of some sort which needs another million years of evolution to correct itself? We can blame others for creating our pain, but in reality, it's our very own brain doing it to us. Traitor.

Sometime earlier this year I realized that what I was living in was a living death of sorts. I "died" shortly after I got married, as far as I can tell. I let myself be molded into someone entirely different. That closed a lot of doors and opportunities for me. Of course, a lot of that was my own fault. I thought I'd be happy and content that way. Wrong!

So now it's time to live again. Sure does seem to take a lot of pain to rebirth oneself. I wonder if everyone goes through this horror show sometime in their life. The trick now is to starting living again with a minimum of pain. There is so much painful baggage I need to throw away - The joke of a marriage and all of the abuse which came with it, the time wasted cowering instead of doing something, the issues my poor children will need to face, the rejection from my lovely friend, etc. But I suppose it's also time to throw away the issue of feeling sorry for oneself all of the time. There are still good things to find and experience, from what I'm told.....

I really want to get myself a Volkswagen Westfalia camper. I have this crazy dream of being able to escape whenever I want. Throw the dog and a bit of food into the camper and off I go to explore new frontiers. I want to lose myself somewhere different and interesting; the Baja immediately comes to mind. Is it just another one of my hopeless pipedreams, or can I get it together and actually do something about it. We'll see.

2006-11-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

Slip sliding away.....

This morning started of well enough....I got my rear in gear and started painting some doors. Then I gathered up the rest of the empty wine bottles and threw them into the trunk of the car. Dog and I dropped the bottles off at the local bottle depot - get this - $7.00 and some change for 54 wine bottles.

Mood had been alright until I went out. Then I started thinking again (damn!) and getting upset. I have this huge anger inside of me right now and it's damn hard to control. I'm angry at my wife, I'm angry at my friend, and most of all, I'm damn angry at myself. More and more I realize that I have definitely made my own bed in this world, and it's not the best it could be. I have missed so many good opportunities and chances, and I'm the only one to blame. This is not going to happen again. I'm going to try to go for only the best at this point. What the hell is the use of living one's life with eyes closed? Life is to short for that. I have to figure out a way of staying far away from idiots and losers and trying to be the best I can. I am beginning to realize that this concept will require some sacrifice and "giving" to accomplish. I don't mind, I am ready to give if others deserve to receive. All others can go to hell. That's the way this screwed up world should work.

2006-11-03T18:42:00.000-08:00

Today began in one of those hellish moods which completely incapacitates me. I'm stuck in one of those "how I am ever going to be happy again" funks. I miss my friend so bad.... I feel sick when I realize I lost her. Dealing with this issue seems to be far harder than the separation issue. My mind is made up on that issue and I'm going forward to a better life no matter what. But what's with this love thing? It's incredibly bloody painful.

Friend called this morning, all full of cheer, wanting to know how I was doing. WTF? How do think I'm fucking doing. Doh! I let her know how I was really feeling, but I'm not sure if she understands..... It's so hard to tell what's going on inside of her head sometimes. Sometimes she comes across as totally cold and uncaring. She could have had the world from me, but seems totally confused as to what her real issues are. Fuck! So much for opening myself up to her and working so damn hard to get to her sooner. I just don't understand people at all.

I'm going to start cleaning out all of the garbage and crap in the house tomorrow. There is so much crap laying around, old wine bottles, expired foodstuff, clothes, etc and it has to go. I'll do a bunch of painting too. Get the rest of the trim and interior doors cleaned up.

I half to start conceiving some sort of positive plan for myself. This business of getting into continual negative situations all of the time is bullshit. Everyone deserves better than that. I have worked and suffered so much, it's freaking well payback time. I have to follow through on my dreams of getting a Westy camper and doing some exploring. The Baja awaits and I'm not getting any younger. I'm going to have to figure out a way of getting some money together in order to afford a bloody camper. Christ, that's going to be tough. I've also got to get aggressive on meeting the right woman for me. No more selfish, controlling, confused jerks. Someone honest and open minded like me :).